Saturday, September 19, 2009

Well, that was fast...

So my lack of posting was due to an opportunity I was given to work a 5-6 week project which involved the processing of payments of the Cash for Clunkers rebate checks to car dealerships.

Over 580,000 cars were sold in the 6 weeks Cash for Clunkers was active, each giving a $3500 or $4500 rebate for their old school beat up 18mpg or less vehicles for a chance to drive away in a newer, more fuel efficient automobile.

I started on the 4th of September, working from 11pm to 7am each and every night/morning only to come home and sleep for an hour - get the kids to school, sleep another 3-4 hours, and spend the rest of the day in a hungover stupor, waiting for the time for me to leave again.

Much like government jobs, I sat there without a way to work - no computer - no login - no anything.

1 day. 2 days. 3 days. 4. Still. Just sitting there, watching movies on my Creative Zen MP3 player (I'll pimp out the brand - I love it) and waiting for the time to leave.

5 days. 6 days. 7 days. Wait.. what's this? A login? I can work?! HOORAY!

I process 25 rebate checks before my shift ends.

Day 7. I process about 20 rebate checks before heading out at 4am to get some sleep before church at 9am.

Day 8. Well...

At 8:30pm, while spending some family time together, I get a call from some random area code.

"Thank you for your participation in assisting the Cash for Clunkers program. Due to your diligence, our processing is complete. Please submit your time sheets for payment on Friday."

Fastest 5-6 week project ever! Out of 580,000 rebates, I've processed about 45 and sat around in a cubicle for a week.

Nice.

But, I'm unemployed again. Well, I'm a stay at home dad. For now, we're trying the one income thing so I can take care of the kids before and after school and I can officially start my gym stuff.

Heather is helping the wifey and I get on a program for eating and exercise to build our metabolism, and the gym awaits Monday.

I'll be doing podcasts soon as well, which excites me.

As for the comedy writing, I've got three one man shows up my sleeve which split three different parts of my life. One of which I'm super excited about.

More later!
Reece's Peace!

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Writing Comedy Is Hard

My entire life, I've been known as a punster. The one who can deliver a one-line punch to make any serious situation into a laugh. I'm sure I've got hundreds of liners from stories over the years that would be great to use on stage.

However, I've got a pretty nasty case of memory loss. Even an hour after a joke (and we're talking a GREAT joke, I can't remember it at all. A one time use. Disposable comedy. Le sigh.

It's times like this that I wish I could just hang out with some old school friends, get blitzed, and see what oozes from the bowels of my soul. Those were some fun times.

But, sober comedy is quite the obstacle. How to do it, how to do it? Hmm...

I want to do some five minute open mic nights, but my goal is to set up a 75-90 minute one man comedy show. Not necessarily a 'set,' but rather a multi-arc show with a story. A semi-autobiographical piece involving my work history (I've worked for 490 of the Fortune 500) and some antics from my youth would fill the story.

If you've ever seen John Leguizamo's Broadway shows, you know exactly what I want to do.

For my friends out there, can you help me out with some funny stories from our past that maybe I don't remember (or maybe I do, but it's in the back of my brain.)

Thank so much for your support and help throughout this transition. Finances have been a little hectic for us, so I'm trying to do whatever I can to get this (and everything else) going.

Your loving Llama.
Randall Funk

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

A New Life...

All right ladies and gentlemen, the changes I've wanted to start making in my life:

This is it.

Today, I began an exercise program with healthier eating to take off the pounds a bit more dramatically than what I've done before.

But that's not all, my friends.

Oh no!

In this blog, I will admit that for the past 4 weeks, I've been lying and covering up a secret as to not worry anyone about me or my family.

On July 16, United First Financial had made the decision to slash 25% of its workforce, and I was one of the 35 to be laid off.

Fortunately, Char and I have worked very hard to reduce our debt ratio. In fact, we are one credit card away from having only our car payments and the typical monthly bills.

With my new found freedom, I have decided to take it upon myself to become dedicated to fitness, but I've also decided to follow my dream.

I'm currently writing material to become a stand up comedian, and will be working to create film shorts once I get a little technical know how. If anyone is interested in joining me in the writing, producing, etc - feel free to let me know.

These are the things I should have accomplished years ago. Thanks to all for your support and love.

I look forward to filling you all in soon.

Plus --- I'll be updating my other blog Too Fat For Emo on a regular basis as well.

And finally, if you have any knowledge of work opportunities that allow telecommuting, please let me know as well. Especially something like data entry that can be done at any time of the day -- let me know!

Thanks again for the love, everyone. I can't wait to let you guys know what's happening next.

Since there's already an entertainer by the name of Jason Randall, I may go on as Jay Randall... or I might just use RandallFunk as a stage name. Not sure yet. Also need a little input on this as well.

I'll let you all know when I'll begin doing Open Mic nights at Wiseguy's Comedy Club at their Trolley Square location in Salt Lake City.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

No kids = Lots o' Fun


On Monday morning at 8:41, our two little ones boarded a plane, headed for Sacramento, CA to spend 28 days with their grandma before school starts.

It provides a break for them from us, and us from them.

So Char and I have taken this opportunity to be creatures of the underworld and have spent every waking moment away from the house this week.

Monday night, we did a simple dinner and a movie combination.

Last night, we went to Wiseguy's Comedy Club in Salt Lake City's Trolley Square location for City Weekly night. 7 top notch local performers; 1 bombed. I'd feel sorry for the guy if it wasn't for the fact that his material not only blew, but was completely racist.

The other 7 guys/gals were awesome. One comic even predicted that I'd get 'lucky' last night. Good thing she has a day job.

Anyway, tonight *might* be Transformers 2, but we've not decided.

Tomorrow is ComedySportz's Yellow #2 show (a long form improvisation comedy show)

Friday, we're planning to see Harry Potter.

Saturday is the Farmer's Market in the morning, and a day to play.

We're starting back at the gym next week after we've had some fun, which will be nice - but we'll still be going out and doing lots o stuff.

All you locals, if you wanna hang with me and the wifey, let me know. Anyone is welcome to come with us to anything we're doing.

Laters!

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

99 Red Balloons... and 2600 Yellowjackets


Utah is an interesting girl. While everyone else is burning up, Utah is cold, shivering in its 48 degree average in June 2009. Utah is that coworker that wears a blanket, even when its 90 degrees in the office. The homeless guy that always wears sweatpants and that big Lugz jacket he found outside the Burlington Coat Factory.

Anyway, it finally warmed up last week after a seven month winter and a six week spring. Last week, it hit the 90's and has continued to maintain this temperature. So, in the fashion of summer, we set up a pool (a BIG one.. awws yeah!) and had a big family barbecue this weekend.

On Saturday, my mother in law decided to walk up to the top of our deck and take some photos of the awesome mountain views that we have in our back yard. She swatted away a few yellowjackets thinking they were just on the prowl for pollen.

That was, until she walked down the stairs and noticed several nests hidden under the railing.

As we did a thorough inspection, we found a HUGE paper wasp nest that wasn't there a week prior. Being the adventurer, I found a huge metal can and filled it with poison. We sprayed the nests and watched the bugs fall to their death.

But those that lived... oh... those that lived...

ATTACK!

My bro in law and myself ran inside and closed the screen. Looking at the screen 5 minutes later, there were 5 - 10 just sitting there... waiting.

They had us surrounded. Like the police - except there were no negotiators.

Fortunately it was at night. Unfortunately, we forgot to turn off all the flood lights, cover the pool, or get our shoes from the porch.

Two hours later, I had to get my 7 year old daughter to climb through the second story window to turn the switch to the deck lights off.

The next day, we decided to call the pros. My wife, having learned from me - found a great little extermination company that we chose based on price, but moreso by name.

AWESOME Pest Control.

I'd hire them solely on name alone.

Anyway, during their thorough spray - they found 54 hives, each harboring about 50 yellowjackets.

That's 2600 yellowjackets roughly.

And they be dead. Like TuPac. Mostly because I know they'll be back in 6 months, with an all new album, and it won't be nearly as good as their last album, but millions will follow.

So now, ladies and gents.... pool party anyone?

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Thanks, JP Morgan, You've 'Chase'd Another Customer Away


Many have said that corporate mergers are never a good thing. However, I'm an optimist, and sometimes a merger is just a merger. And sometimes, the devil himself has mediated between the two, while one gains vast power and the other fades away as their soul is taken from their already cold bodies.

In this case, it would appear the devil is the government, the corpse is Washington Mutual, and the all powerful entity is JP Morgan Chase.

I've been a fan of Washington Mutual since 1998. Back then, the idea of having a VISA check card was the 'ooh' and 'ahh' like the iPhone was in 2007. And Washington Mutual was one of the few exclusive providers (when asking my hometown bank about Check Cards, they explained to me how an ATM card works - because they had never heard of VISA check cards).

Back then, I could get free checks, online bill pay, and all the other features that banks are just now advertising, but they were doing it 11 years ago. Plus, Washington Mutual was the only bank that (at the time) would allow you to remove increments of $5.00 from the ATM.

Along with their cheerful attitudes, I also enjoyed their bank set up. No counter. No glass. Simply several kiosks in the lobby. As a customer, you can walk all the way around to where the clerk is standing.

No security issues. I felt trusted, and that made me feel valued.

Then October 2008 came.

In October, articles everywhere are posting "Washington Mutual Fails" as the Government decided within a few minutes that this bank will be consumed by JP Morgan Chase.

Why Chase? Why not another bank? How was this government decision made so quickly, and yet other minor decisions take months if not years to litigate.

Either way, Chase had won, adding thousands of new locations, as hundreds of thousands of customers sat wondering, 'What happens now?'

I don't know what's happening to everyone else, but this is what's happening to me:

Our WaMu account was opened in Southern California, though we live in Utah. This has never been a problem before. Why would it be? In this day and age, I should be able to withdraw funds from Timbuktu without a problem.

Then Chase got involved.

My landlord also has a Washington Mutual account. Hers of course is a Utah account. Once again - shouldn't matter. That is until we get a phone call.

"Hi, I just tried to deposit your check and because your WaMu account is in California, the Utah location won't accept your check."

Wait - what?

So with annoyance, we got a cashier's check and mailed it to her.

And we've been doing that for three months.

But then, last week, this happened:

"Unfortunately, since your bank account is located in California, I'll have to call corporate for approval."

Despite having the money in the bank, I can't withdraw with them calling someone for an access code.

Once we got the approval, the cashier's check was mailed to our landlord. The funds appeared to have been pending withdrawal from our account.

That was 10 days ago. The funds are still in our account. And we've received a notice of an overdraft, though we had more than twice the amount of the cashier's check in our account. Fortunately, they never charged us a fee.

On Saturday, we deposited a check for $500 into our account. Once again "unfortunately, because you have a California account and live in Utah, this check may take 3-5 business days before it posts into your account.'

Finally, we ask "So, since Chase claims that we WaMu customers can go to any bank now to do any business, when is it going to allow us dirty California customers to get our money without issues here in Utah?"

"According to the information we have, California will be input into the Chase system sometime in October."

I think we've had enough. Since the Chase takeover, we've had nothing but problems.

At first we thought it was just the Chase Credit Card that was terrible (the wife had one and she paid for payment protection if she ever lost her job... once laid off, they told her there was no option and they charged us hundreds in late fees)

Not only that, remember above when I mentioned those cool kiosks in the lobby that made you feel all warm and cozy?

Yeah... those were taken out last week. Now there's a counter. With glass. And even the kid toys were taken away.

Congrats, JP Morgan, you have successfully 'Chase'd away another customer.

They say Washington Mutual failed. I disagree. Chase, you've failed me.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

GOP Stuggles to Rename Dems 'Socialists'

In other news, Democrats have unanimously renamed the Republican committee assigned to this task as "Douchebags."

Seriously... THIS is what we pay our government to do?


From: The Associate Press:

GOP struggles with push to rename Dems 'Socialist'
By BEN EVANS

WASHINGTON (AP) — Republican Party leaders are trying to avoid a public confrontation over a GOP-led effort to rename the Democratic Party the "Socialist Democrat" party.

The Republican National Committee is slated to vote on several resolutions Wednesday. Leaders already have softened one that would have pointedly criticized Republicans who supported recent billion-dollar bailouts.

Party Chairman Michael Steele and others say the party should also drop the renaming resolution and focus on more serious problems. To avoid a party dispute over the renaming, Republicans were trying to compromise on milder language that would simply criticize Democrats for what they call socialist tendencies.

Some party leaders described the initial resolution as "stupid" and "absurd."

Jeff Kent, a Washington state Republican who helped spearhead the effort, declined to comment on a potential compromise, saying he is still working to pass the resolution.

Henry Barbour, a committeeman from Mississippi who chairs the panel that will decide which resolutions go to the full caucus, said he didn't want to comment until after the committee votes late Wednesday afternoon.

The fight reflects a divide between Republicans who want a more centrist message and party hardliners.

Copyright © 2009 The Associated Press. All rights reserved

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Happy Mother Lover's Day

Sunday, May 03, 2009

Of Wisdom Teeth and Drunk Driving

At 29, one would have assumed I'd have been smart enough to have gone to the dentist, I dunno... like once.

But when you think Jason Randall, I know you think "he's a sexy brainiac with the eyes of a God and the butt of Thor," but even I make mistakes.

So in February, I began a series of dental appointments, with the final one on Thursday to remove my wisdom teeth. I was to be sedated with these 2 pills, along with the laughing gas and the Novocaine for the procedure.

My primary frustration with my dental appointments is the lack of communication. Seriously, if you have to refill the needle 7 times and you inject me in 17 places - I think I should be told about it to prepare myself.

I wish that was an exaggeration, but I counted.. while shaking, while gripping the chair, while trying to hold back a tear or seven.

It was then they got to work. I woke up several times, and felt the removal of three of four teeth. I felt them using my jawbone as leverage. I also saw the curved needle they used while sewing me up.

But it wasn't until the procedure was over that the fun started.

I had a prescription to fill, so we went shopping. And I handled the cart.

VROOOOOM! At lightning speed, I ran aisle after aisle, running into garbage cans and displays. I think I ran over a kid or two. I bought stuff I'd usually not buy, and I freaked out quite a few people.

How, you ask?

Apparently, gaping holes in the back of your mouth make you bleed by the gallon, and when you're standing in the parking lot with your mouth wide open, drugged up beyond all recognition, people tend to stare as the blood pool gets larger and larger.

Fortunately, I have a wife who loves me enough to shove me in the car and put more gauze in my mouth to clamp down on.

When we finally get home, Char forces me to sit down as I've been holding a bag under my mouth for over an hour trying to reduce the blood spillage.

Seriously, it was like a Bruce Campbell movie.

Once the drugs kicked in, I fell asleep and woke up the next morning with a tennis ball lump on my cheek and a Gorbachev bruise on my neck.

Oddly enough, I'm mostly pain free. However, I'm reduced to watered down soups and puddings for the next 5 days.

I can't complain, however. Pudding is the awesome.

So that's my weekend. How's yours?

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Home Sweet... Jesus?


Thanks Florida, for reminding me of home.

Sheesh!

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Okay, so a lot has happened..

Today, I decided to take a look at the ole blog. Dust her off. Let it breathe a little.

So two months ago, I wrote a little entry. Why the lack of posts, you ask? For starters, we went without internet for about a month.

And why would I take the very drug from my vein cold turkey like that? Easy.

We moved - to a deluxe apartment.. no - HOUSE in the sky!

Only 3.3 miles from our former location at the Amiron Condos in Orem, a house sat there. Longing. Waiting. Begging for a little love and affection. Of course, we didn't know that at the time... but our property management did.

This property has been on our property manager's 'to do' list for over a year. Basically, the home was a vacation spot for a doctor from Minnesota who comes to hike and ski each year.

Three weeks a year.

Wouldn't YOU like to own a house that stays vacant the other 49 weeks?

So, the owners live in London, and cannot travel for 2-3 years due to some medical issues, and they've decided to rent their home for a low price to a family willing to do the upkeep.

The Condos at Amiron weren't too shabby. We had a three bedroom, 1250 square foot condo which we were able to paint to fit our modernesque style from its former flower power wallpaper scheme.

A year and a half we laid our head, and enjoyed most of it. But the space we had just seemed to get smaller and smaller.

Then - February came.

We sent an email to our property manager asking if she knew of other locations which we could hang our hat with a little more wiggle room...

And boy did she come through.

Our new home in the Pleasant Grove portion of Utah's Happy Valley is located just two houses from the mountainside.

We went from 1250 square feet to almost 3,100 square feet, and for less than $100 difference a month.

Technically, we have a living room, a family room, and an entertainment room.

You know what that means?

Constant. Social. Gatherings.

Once we're unpacked, I'll add photos, and we'll have a housewarming.

Along with movie nights and game nights, I've got a few ideas in store:

Dude Night/Chick Night is one of many ideas I'm bouncing in my head.

I'll keep you all posted.

Llama Kisses and Peas with Carrots,
Jason

Monday, February 23, 2009

Scared Straight

At the beginning of 2008, the wifey and I made a habit of going to the gym 3-4 times a week.

We were feeling great, lookin' good and being stealth. Then life took over.

With the kids' hectic schedule, overtime followed by undertime (the layoff), and so many other factors prohibited our visits to the local sweatshop.

Prior to our gym appointments, I felt okay in regard to my health but wanted to look better and feel better.

Since the workouts ended, I've maintained a decent diet of low fat lunches, baked dinners, and oatmeal for breakfast.

But even with eating better, I'm feeling worse.

I've recently started suffering from migraines, occasional pains, and a constant need to drink lots of water.

I'm scheduling a doctor's appointment, but WebMD tells me something that I didn't want to know.

EARLY ONSET DIABETES.

I've got two words.

AH HELL NAH!

Proof that eating right means little since I eat minimal sugars and rarely max over 1600 calories with a 2 soda a month maximum.

And it's more proof that it can happen to anyone.

I recommend everyone getting tested and have a physical every year.

I'm going back to the gym, pronto.

Anyone who wants to join me, feel free. The more the merrier.

Sunday, February 08, 2009

Give Michael Phelps a Break, People

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

State Taxes aka Whu?!

So last year, we got a refund from Utah. Albeit a mere $15. Course, we only lived in the state for 2 1/2 months.

However, I'm confused by state taxes as there are minimal options when filing your W4 at work.

I add $20 every check for taxes, not only to ensure I pay enough, but that I get a slight advantage in my return.

Last year, we filed our W4s exactly the same as we always have, and never had any issues.

This time, we do our taxes: Char and I owe $530 to Utah.

How does that compute? I file 0 dependents while she uses the 2 for the kids. Nothing more.

And is there a way to modify this so it doesn't happen next year?

Help, my peeps!

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Inspiration. He haz (and gaves) it.

Probably the most inspirational speech I've heard in ages.

Here is the full text of President Barack H. Obama's inauguration speech. The words are strong, and I pray the actions of the next four years will be just as strong.

For if so, a brighter America will rise from the shadows. The great America we all know not only exists, but shines like the star it is.

Even if you disagree with who our elected president is, I ask that you support him in this transition, for no one should be criticized for a job they've not had the opportunity to take on.

And now, the inauguration speech:

- - - -

My fellow citizens:

I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our ancestors. I thank President Bush for his service to our nation, as well as the generosity and cooperation he has shown throughout this transition.

Forty-four Americans have now taken the presidential oath. The words have been spoken during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of peace. Yet, every so often the oath is taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms. At these moments, America has carried on not simply because of the skill or vision of those in high office, but because we the people have remained faithful to the ideals of our forebears, and true to our founding documents.

So it has been. So it must be with this generation of Americans.

That we are in the midst of crisis is now well understood. Our nation is at war, against a far-reaching network of violence and hatred. Our economy is badly weakened, a consequence of greed and irresponsibility on the part of some, but also our collective failure to make hard choices and prepare the nation for a new age. Homes have been lost; jobs shed; businesses shuttered. Our health care is too costly; our schools fail too many; and each day brings further evidence that the ways we use energy strengthen our adversaries and threaten our planet.

These are the indicators of crisis, subject to data and statistics. Less measurable but no less profound is a sapping of confidence across our land — a nagging fear that America's decline is inevitable, and that the next generation must lower its sights.

Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America — they will be met.

On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord.

On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics.

We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.

In reaffirming the greatness of our nation, we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Our journey has never been one of shortcuts or settling for less. It has not been the path for the faint-hearted — for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame. Rather, it has been the risk-takers, the doers, the makers of things — some celebrated but more often men and women obscure in their labor, who have carried us up the long, rugged path towards prosperity and freedom.

For us, they packed up their few worldly possessions and traveled across oceans in search of a new life.

For us, they toiled in sweatshops and settled the West; endured the lash of the whip and plowed the hard earth.

For us, they fought and died, in places like Concord and Gettysburg; Normandy and Khe Sahn.

Time and again these men and women struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that we might live a better life. They saw America as bigger than the sum of our individual ambitions; greater than all the differences of birth or wealth or faction.

This is the journey we continue today. We remain the most prosperous, powerful nation on Earth. Our workers are no less productive than when this crisis began. Our minds are no less inventive, our goods and services no less needed than they were last week or last month or last year. Our capacity remains undiminished. But our time of standing pat, of protecting narrow interests and putting off unpleasant decisions — that time has surely passed. Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America.

For everywhere we look, there is work to be done. The state of the economy calls for action, bold and swift, and we will act — not only to create new jobs, but to lay a new foundation for growth. We will build the roads and bridges, the electric grids and digital lines that feed our commerce and bind us together. We will restore science to its rightful place, and wield technology's wonders to raise health care's quality and lower its cost. We will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories. And we will transform our schools and colleges and universities to meet the demands of a new age. All this we can do. All this we will do.

Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions — who suggest that our system cannot tolerate too many big plans. Their memories are short. For they have forgotten what this country has already done; what free men and women can achieve when imagination is joined to common purpose, and necessity to courage.

What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them — that the stale political arguments that have consumed us for so long no longer apply. The question we ask today is not whether our government is too big or too small, but whether it works — whether it helps families find jobs at a decent wage, care they can afford, a retirement that is dignified. Where the answer is yes, we intend to move forward. Where the answer is no, programs will end. Those of us who manage the public's dollars will be held to account — to spend wisely, reform bad habits, and do our business in the light of day — because only then can we restore the vital trust between a people and their government.

Nor is the question before us whether the market is a force for good or ill. Its power to generate wealth and expand freedom is unmatched, but this crisis has reminded us that without a watchful eye, the market can spin out of control — and that a nation cannot prosper long when it favors only the prosperous. The success of our economy has always depended not just on the size of our gross domestic product, but on the reach of our prosperity; on our ability to extend opportunity to every willing heart — not out of charity, but because it is the surest route to our common good.

As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals. Our founding fathers ... our found fathers, faced with perils we can scarcely imagine, drafted a charter to assure the rule of law and the rights of man, a charter expanded by the blood of generations. Those ideals still light the world, and we will not give them up for expedience's sake. And so to all the other peoples and governments who are watching today, from the grandest capitals to the small village where my father was born: know that America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman, and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and that we are ready to lead once more.

Recall that earlier generations faced down fascism and communism not just with missiles and tanks, but with sturdy alliances and enduring convictions. They understood that our power alone cannot protect us, nor does it entitle us to do as we please. Instead, they knew that our power grows through its prudent use; our security emanates from the justness of our cause, the force of our example, the tempering qualities of humility and restraint.

We are the keepers of this legacy. Guided by these principles once more, we can meet those new threats that demand even greater effort — even greater cooperation and understanding between nations. We will begin to responsibly leave Iraq to its people, and forge a hard-earned peace in Afghanistan. With old friends and former foes, we will work tirelessly to lessen the nuclear threat, and roll back the specter of a warming planet. We will not apologize for our way of life, nor will we waver in its defense, and for those who seek to advance their aims by inducing terror and slaughtering innocents, we say to you now that our spirit is stronger and cannot be broken; you cannot outlast us, and we will defeat you.

For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness. We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus — and non-believers. We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace.

To the Muslim world, we seek a new way forward, based on mutual interest and mutual respect. To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict, or blame their society's ills on the West — know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy. To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist.

To the people of poor nations, we pledge to work alongside you to make your farms flourish and let clean waters flow; to nourish starved bodies and feed hungry minds. And to those nations like ours that enjoy relative plenty, we say we can no longer afford indifference to the suffering outside our borders; nor can we consume the world's resources without regard to effect. For the world has changed, and we must change with it.

As we consider the road that unfolds before us, we remember with humble gratitude those brave Americans who, at this very hour, patrol far-off deserts and distant mountains. They have something to tell us, just as the fallen heroes who lie in Arlington whisper through the ages. We honor them not only because they are guardians of our liberty, but because they embody the spirit of service; a willingness to find meaning in something greater than themselves. And yet, at this moment — a moment that will define a generation — it is precisely this spirit that must inhabit us all.

For as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies. It is the kindness to take in a stranger when the levees break, the selflessness of workers who would rather cut their hours than see a friend lose their job which sees us through our darkest hours. It is the firefighter's courage to storm a stairway filled with smoke, but also a parent's willingness to nurture a child, that finally decides our fate.

Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends — hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism — these things are old. These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility — a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation, and the world, duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.

This is the price and the promise of citizenship.

This is the source of our confidence — the knowledge that God calls on us to shape an uncertain destiny.

This is the meaning of our liberty and our creed — why men and women and children of every race and every faith can join in celebration across this magnificent Mall, and why a man whose father less than sixty years ago might not have been served at a local restaurant can now stand before you to take a most sacred oath.

So let us mark this day with remembrance, of who we are and how far we have traveled. In the year of America's birth, in the coldest of months, a small band of patriots huddled by dying campfires on the shores of an icy river. The capital was abandoned. The enemy was advancing. The snow was stained with blood. At a moment when the outcome of our revolution was most in doubt, the father of our nation ordered these words be read to the people:

"Let it be told to the future world ... that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive...that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet (it)."

America, in the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.

Thank you. God bless you. And God bless the United States of America.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

I'm seriously rethinking that veggie burger with mixed vegetables....

For those who follow my Twitter posts and occasional entry here know that though not a fan of reality television, I do enjoy 'The Biggest Loser' quite a bit.

Now that the new season is underway, it makes me think of what brought these people to campus on the Biggest Loser.

When they show clips of their tryout videos, you see them scarfing down ice cream and Cheeto's like nothing. But I wonder... was that real or to simply gorge to be nominated? A staging?

I ask because in my past, I was a glutton.

Back in my teen years, I could eat two double quarter pounders with cheese, super sized fries, a large soda, and two apple pies at a sitting in McDonalds.

I could eat 12 tacos at Taco Bell without flinching.

I've eaten a large pizza with a full size bag of chips and a 44 ounce soda as a standard dinner.

Okay, so I can't do those things anymore. And you know, I haven't in YEARS.

Now in my late twenties, I'm fighting to eat healthier and have for the last 5 years. No longer can I eat even close to what was above. I don't even try.

Maybe 3-4 times a year will I have pizza, and even those are just a few slices. I don't frequent fast food places, and I've even taken the plunge into eating salads when we go out.

I've been doing this since I was 25. I'm now 29. And I'm currently at the heaviest point that I've ever been at.

How is this possible?

All the veggie burger replacements - the salads instead of the country fried steak and potatoes smothered in gravy -

all for not.

Eating right has caused me to gain weight, while eating badly kept me at a level weight for over 10 years.

I'm seriously ready to chuck the spinach and ground turkey and pick up a deep fried Snickers.

Grrrrrrrrr.........

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Congrats Jesse and Shauna!

I can't wait to see what this Red headed Italian bearded baby is REALLY gonna look like!

And since it's a baby, I won't shout W00T!

Instead, I will should Wooties! Like Booties!

Unky Jason is gonna teach this kid RIGHT! Provided a restraining order isn't in place prior to said 'teaching.'

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Am I the Only One Who Thinks Blue Ray Is a Bad Idea?

So I've never been one for being on top of the latest gadgets, nor do I have an issue with keeping up with the Jones's.

However, I was at a local big box Warehouse store when I stopped to notice the flat screen 72 inch television connected to a Sony Blue Ray player. On it, they're playing 'Spiderman 3.'

The detail was amazing. Too amazing. So amazing, in fact, that it was less than amazing.

The scene where Harry is down after the big battle on the half-built skyscraper after the battle looked like it was filmed live with a camcorder.

You can see the background is fake and Toby MacGuire is flushed. Seriously, it looked like 'Spiderman: The Play".

Maybe the movies we've filmed aren't ready for Blue Ray. So far, only the CGI stuff looks good - the regular scenes look really amateur.

So much for the future.

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Nothing to say, but most like me that way.

As I make my way home on the bus, I thought it would be nice to check in and see how my fellow 3-4 readers on average are doing.

Sure, you have blogs, text messaging, Twitter, Facebook, your mom's bed post, and home phones to keep us all updated, but really.

How are you?

Talk to Big Papa Jay. I got a shoulder for you!

Therapy on a bus. I'm working with Sam Jackson to star in the film version.

Kisses.

Saturday, January 03, 2009

Meet the Robisons

This is something I wanted to share because I thought it was funny.

So we get home from Cali last week, and finally got around to reading the mail our neighbor (another kinder one) so graciously picked up for us.

In it, a Christmas greeting. You know the type. The panoramic with the family photo wishing you and yours a happy holiday.

This one was more special than the rest I've received this year. Not because they are closer friends, or that their card had that 'oh so oomphy' Christmas spirit.

It's that this family from Spokane, Washington sent me a Christmas greeting not having any idea who I am.

The envelope was mailed to Jason and Abby Randall. It would seem that this would be either a mistake, or a Christmas card from the future, in which Char has finally realized I'm a goof, and I've tortured another victim into slavery...err..matrimony.

I'm keeping the evidence just in case there is a time/space rift.

But Casey, Jenifer, Brantley, and Alexia Robison, Happy Belated Holidays.... and I'll see you in the future.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

I really hate my neighborhood sometimes...

Living in a community filled with housewives with nothing better to do when their kids are in school but to demonize the other kids in the neighborhood. (By the way, I appreciate the hard work of stay at home moms, but when they're gone 8 hours a day, shouldn't that be the point you consider a job?)

I'm not gonna lie. My son isn't the best with rejection. When picked on, he uses his fists over his words, and we're working on those issues.

But the last two months, with the exception of one or two minor incidents (as kids will be kids) he's been SUPER GOOD.

So when we get home from our 10 day trip to Southern California to visit Char's family for Christmas, our neighbor tells us that another neighbor is mad at our kid for something he did to their kid last Friday before Christmas break.

Funny.... We left for California on THURSDAY - and the kids didn't go to school on Thursday (we left at noon).

Yet somehow the neighborhood snitch seems to think this truly happened... despite us being 518 miles.

I haaaaaaaate the moms in this neighborhood.

By the by, I've no problems saying when/if my kids have an issue with something. Moms that think their kids are perfect 24/7 are drinking too much Flav-O-Rite (the phrase is Kool-Aid, but those cult kids didn't actually drink Kool-Aid..Anywho...)

Hey Jane, get me off of this crazy thing.... called spying.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Alcoholics Have All The Fun...

So I'm looking in catalogs left and right to complete shopping for Christmas, and what do I see?

Super COOL stuff for people who drink!

Don't get me wrong, I've oft enjoyed the design of a martini glass, and some of the bottles that package your flavor of choice are pretty creative.

Here are a few things that I'd totally love to use on a daily basis:

1. Jagermeister Tap (Retail $299.99)

I am a fan of cold water. Like really cold. I'm one of those freaks who likes the taste of ice water after brushing my teeth in a snowstorm.

This machine will make any shot served at a perfect 0 degrees. Cool for alcohol, lame for water - since the pipes would freeze before the first droplet hit your glass.

But MAN! Do I like the idea of hooking up Kool-Aid and having instant slushees.

2. Ice Shot Glasses (Retail $10 or so)

These I might buy anyway. They're ice trays that make ice into the shape of shot glasses. Great for keeping drinks cold.

Downside of this item is they're shot glass size. Most people drink in larger increments of soda/juice than a shot of tequila.

3. Original Ring Thing ($7.99)

If only sodas still came in glass jars. Well, regular soda. I know that fancy dancy middle class stuff still suits up the glass, but c'mon mainstream soda companies, let's go retro here.

This way I can rip those metal caps off with a cool ring and look Fonz-like to the crowd.

Okay, these were the main three, but I've seen other cool stuff out there.

I gotta go start my campaign to the Jager people to convert that thing so 'virgin' drinks can be made with them as well.

Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Writings of a Mad Man

So I found an old folder of writings in a box we'd yet to unpack in storage as pulling out the Christmas stuff.

I'd like feedback on what's there so far, especially the most recent entry regarding the novel.

The poetry stuff I don't care about. I wrote those between calls when I worked at Blue Cross Blue Shield our of boredom.

You can find them at http://www.writingsofamadman.com

Thanks!
Jason

Saturday, December 06, 2008

I'm such a terrible blogger.

My apologies to those three who read my blog. My real life isn't nearly as interesting as the world I make up in my head.

So for the time being, I'll ask that you occasionally check the Twitter posts on the side, and I'll work on some good entries soon.

We'll see how this pans out and maybe the interwebs will have some entertainment.

funny pictures
more animals

Friday, November 21, 2008

Anyone else thinking of taking off for Thanksgiving?

So the wifey and I were talking, and we're debating on not going all out on making Thanksgiving dinner. After all, it's only the 4 of us. Two of us are munchkins, and then its just us two adults.

With that, I'm considering the idea of going out to dinner with the family on Thanksgiving.

Anyone know of a good place to eat in Salt Lake for Thanksgiving? Also, anyone wanna join in the festivities of doing less work?

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Snide Remarks on Prop 8 (For and Against) - A Repost.

I'm going to start this off by saying I did not write this, but find it interesting coming from someone who is neither gay, nor LDS, and satires the imperfections both of our people have for each other.

*** - Ammended 11/21 - I had no idea Mr. Snider was in fact, LDS. He is. Carry on. ***

Here's the thing - I don't think either side on Prop 8 wore their best suit and tie to this mud fight, if you know what I mean.

If you're against Prop 8, this article has some things for you.

If you pro Prop 8, this article has some things for you.

Eric Snider is a pretty popular blogger. He wrote the article I'm about to post below:

***Please note that the first three paragraphs use cruelty in labeling both homosexuals and the religious right to make a point. These labels are removed (for the most part) in paragraph 4 to which normal reading will commense)

(Article removed per blogger request. You may read the article in its entirety by clicking on the title of this blog.)

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

The Downfall of eBay aka The Real Housewives of Utah County

I'm going to go out on a limb and venture that no one who reads my blog or knows me personally has caught on to my whereabouts or lack thereof for the last four weeks.

Let's go back in time, shall we.

On October 6, eBay publicly announced a layoff of 1500 people. These included mostly non-essential or 'redundant' positions, while merging departments together.

Seller Support used to offer newcomer sellers and existing sellers with marketing programs such as Onramp and Outreach, but effect Oct 1, these departments have been canceled to focus only on top sellers on the site.

Some entire departments were laid off, while other employees were 'exited' without the benefit of a layoff.

For the past several months, I have been applying for various promotions within eBay, without the assistance of my supervisors, who often promise the ability to rehearse internal interviews as well as allowing me to take on the tasks of the position I'm applying for - without delivering.

I had applied for 6 different promotions within the last 4 months, and most of the positions were filled with people even a new employee would say 'him/her? Really?!' or the position went unfilled and locked due to financial restraints.

My motivation had ceased as I'd become yet another victim in Cubicle Hell. Promises of a better career within the company had vanished while the department began tightening the leashes and causing a dangerously uncomfortable work environment.

My department has recently merged with another department causing double the workload, and equal the pay.

See, there's no money in the budget for my department. There is only money for the occasional gift card and emails to cancel the team building exercises we worked so hard with overtime to be able to receive.

Well, I can't say there's no money in 'the' budget. Maybe it's just our department's budget as our Top Seller department just gave 23 people $10,000 a year raises to do the EXACT same job as they did before with the term 'Senior' in front of the title.

23 people runs a little over 30% of the entire department, as it consists of a total of 89 employees.

What does it take to be a Senior Account Manager? I dunno, but almost half of the 23 have been with the company less than a year.

It's your high school letting the freshmen take on the prom, student government, and graduation.

Once again, my department does have one perk. Gift cards. Oh, wait. They get those too.

The gift cards come with notes that say 'thanks for your hard work. Together, we will win.'

Win what exactly? The ability to work harder for no benefit?

We get these cards from our supervisors just before they leave the floor once again for hours on end. If we're lucky, we'll see them at their desk for a good 15 minutes a day to assist the teams they're in charge of.

Their team leads take over as acting supervisors. A job they've done a LOT of lately. By a lot, I mean almost ALL of.

I give them major credit for the hard work they provide. They are the floor managers, they take the escalations from unhappy sellers, and they motivate their teams.

There are many theories as to where the supervisors are hiding. I've speculated there is a secret basement with skee-ball and cosmic bowling.

One thing I know they're not doing. Assisting with the one-call resolution they want us to handle. Refusing escalations from a caller who has called in ten times already shows us they truly are a 'do as I say, not as I do' type of leadership. And sending them to voice mail to be called back within a few days isn't resolving anything but your own lack of leadership.

Those of us who've been on the floor a while are trying to bail out. Sinking our teeth into ANYTHING that doesn't fall in our department. Even jobs that we have no interest in seem more interesting and more desirable than what we're doing.

With this type of 'motivation,' one begins to feel like Peter Gibbons, the protagonist of the Mike Judge comedy, 'Office Space,' indicating one will 'do just enough work to not get fired.'

My lack of motivation placed me in a set of self-destruction. After all, I wasn't getting the promotion anyway. It's just being dangled like a carrot, and you know - I'm not a huge fan of carrots anyway.

When talking to my supervisor about it, he seemed more frustrated that because my production was down, the people around me were carrying my weight.

Basically, the way my supervisors have been using their team leads to do their job, which made it clear that it's acceptable for exempt employees, but unacceptable for non-exempt employees.

As a person, I think my direct supervisor is a nice guy with a good heart. However, he's worked for the company so long, every word uttered from his mouth sounds like a corporate talking point instead of a legitimate thought.

I can't tell him something off script only to expect a scripted answer. So, I didn't tell him why I was feeling the way I was. I mean, why? A fortune cookie could give me a better outlook.

Besides, he's also the supervisor of our department's training. Since he took those reigns on, he really has no time to be a regular supervisor. I don't blame him. If given the choice, I'd handle trainings over seller support any day.

I've been my team's go to guy for everything. After all, no supervisor on the floor means no one to ask when the hard questions come up. In theory, I too have been doing their job for MONTHS.

So, I started looking for another job. One that will appreciate me and more so - one that doesn't confine me to a cube.

I've not worked for eBay since mid-October, and I'm okay with that.

It's funny. Even those I no longer work with instant message me via Skype to ask questions about eBay so they can help their people.

Think about it, eBay. Your employees would rather turn to someone no longer at eBay than someone who is a supervisor at eBay for advice on how to handle a situation.

We'll see how that pans out - but until then, I'll be here at home, handling my duties as a housewife.

If you read this and want a copy of my resume, feel free to email me.

Until then, off to do laundry, make dinner, and maybe get my hair did.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

'The Biggest Loser' Focuses on Losers; Douchebags.

For those who know me, know that I'm no fan of reality television. Well, network reality.

I've oft been a fan of science and discovery television, but on occasion, a particular show on the networks will tickle my fancy.

I've been watching the 'Biggest Loser' for about three seasons, and I've been inspired by great people doing great things to overcome obstacles which have been destroying their lives.

The idea of weight loss without drugs, but a super intense daily workout regiment provide the backdrop, while each contestant battles their own demons vying for the $250,000 grand prize.

Those eliminated each week are still playing at home, for the chance to win a 2nd place prize of $100,000.

All thanks to Jell-O. Because there's always room for Jell-O.

I've been mostly pleased, occasionally frustrated, and sometimes surprised about the twists of the show, which has the tendency of making me want to punch the screen in the face.

However, the one thing about this show is that most of the contestants are savvy enough to boot the contestants with game play up their sleeve.

This year doesn't seem to be the case.

It appears this season is full of lazy, pathetic schemers who give the show a bad name. Of course, a few contestants oppose the new setting of 'Loser' (Colleen, Michelle, and Amy are the strongest that come to mind), but that doesn't carry the morality torch that makes the show incredibly inspiring stories.

This season, one couple has made me want to puke this season out of my brain. I'm sure I'm not the only one, but Brady and Vikki are easily the worst game players I've ever seen.

And yet the others seem to follow them like blind sheep.

When it records, I think about hitting my delete button on my DVR and starting over next season (January).

Though tonight that may have changed with one of the two players being eliminated this week in a surprise vote from one of their own team mates, causing what appears to be a rift in the 'Blue' team on campus.

Even still, I'm a little bored and disturbed by the casting department's lousy choices this year.

I mean, I understand they're basically minimum wage wannabe actors forced to skim through 50,000 videos, but let's be honest, it's an easy gig. Almost as easy as being a corpse on 'CSI: Miami."

Season 7 is already cast, and if it's anything like this year, it'll be the last.

Shame because it truly is and has been an inspirational show. That, and if I see another night with Howie Mandel, I really WILL punch the tv.

Monday, November 10, 2008

An autobiography in animation.

When I saw this clip in the recently released 'Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa,' I was surprised to know a good minute of the film was devoted to yours truly and his magical way with women.

Except this time, they reversed gender roles. The song truly should have been sung by a woman to depict 100% accuracy - but creative freedom and a 0% royalty to yours truly was in the better interest of Dreamworks (le sigh).

See what I mean:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O5-QheKDy-A

(Embedding has been disabled. Please review the link to see video)

Shameful, but accurate.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

And now the conspiracy theories begin.

Now that it appears Obama has won the White House, I wonder how many urban legends about guns being taken away, a nuclear disaster, or the second coming will actually come true.

And if so, how did the general public get their hands on this info!

What say ye?

That is all.

7-11 Rigs Election. (Well, the coffee election, that is)

This morning I had to make a quick stop at a local 7-11. Okay, I didn't have to, as no one HAS to, but I made the stop to get a quick juice to start my day.

After my trip to the fridge and grabbing a tasty Tropicana, I walked past the coffee machines towards the register.

I had forgotten 7-11 had yet another coffee voting promotion involving today's most exciting Election Day.

For those unaware, 7-11 has two sets of coffee cups. Those supporting McCain, and those supporting Obama. Whichever candidate sells more cups, that president will be the victor - at least in the eyes of the food/gas chain.

Curiosity sank in. Though not a coffee drinker, I wanted to see what the cups looked like and to consider taking part in the harmless activities.

Unfortunately, my choices were instantly minimized upon seeing the one row of basic coffee cups, and three tall rows of John McCain Cups.

Where were the Obama cups? There didn't even seem to be a space for them.

I'm thinking conspiracy. And there's nothing worse than a conspiracy spearheaded by the stock boy at a local gas-n-gulp.

Don't get me wrong - I think McCain would totally have defeated Obama by the hundreds of thousands in the coffee election... but mostly because most Obama supporters probably get their coffee from Starbucks.

Monday, November 03, 2008

Please Remember to NOT Vote tomorrow!

Wait...

Monday, October 27, 2008

Renew the Zoo? Salt Lake City Says 'Screw the Zoo."

This past Saturday, our local Hogle Zoo hosted over 22,000 guests with their annual trick or treating event known as 'Boo at the Zoo.'

Employees of the zoo were friendly and gracious, trying ever so diligently to accomodate what those in Guest Relations were championing as the 'largest turn out in Hogle Zoo's history.'

Treats were available for the kids, while parents were able to enjoy free samples and coupons from various local dairies and restaurants.

However, a crowd of that magnitude comes at a price. To it's patrons.

Salt Lake City's Hogle Zoo is on this year's ballot to 'Renew the Zoo,' a taxpayer initiative to bring much needed renovation and tourism to the zoo as well as the local Aviary through Propositions 1 and 2.

Voter polls have indicated a high margin of interest in passing the bills, which will be a step in the right direction for Salt Lake City's Tourism Board.

Located at the mouth of Emmigration Canyon, right across from 'This is the Place' Historic Park, and not too far away from buildings owned by the University of Utah, the Hogle Zoo is nested against a mountain and almost hidden from society.

This makes the trip just a little more interesting, but does have its own faults.

Hogle Zoo has limited parking, and thus far, UTA (Utah Transit Authority) has no plans to extend their train to provide better public transportation to reach this destination.

On an average day, parking can often be a burden, but special events crank that level of burden to impossibility, almost turning off the idea of considering a repeat of this year's beast.

On the weekends, Sunnyside Avenue is used primarily for campers, skiiers, and hikers looking for outdoor thrills through Emmigration Canyon. Most of the University buildings are closed and Foothill Boulevard is easy breezy most of the day.

So why the No Parking signs at any time? One would think special event parking to help patronize yet another taxpayer program would benefit the city.

You know what else benefits the city, folks? Some nice hard cash. This is what the city of Salt Lake decided to do this weekend for those at the zoo without the ability to find parking since decent public transportation in the area is nonexistent.

Special events are definitely treated special. Sashes and badges are inspected, pencils are sharpened fiercely, and ticket pads are purchased in bulk ahead of time.

The Meter Maid Brigade hit the streets!

For anyone parked outside of zoo property, a nice little red paper magically appeared while your kids were laughing at the chimp that headbutted the other chimp.

Red slips found for what seemed to be miles decorated Sunnyside like a dot com parking lot after a massive layoff.

Trust me, I know what that looks like.

We were one of the lucky selected thousands to receive a parking ticket. Though I admit now that I wasn't aware I was in a no parking area, I couldn't tell from the 10,000 cars in front of and behind the space I parallel parked into.

Large cities have No Parking signs in appropriate places, but often have a Mon-Fri time frame on it with specific times.

No Parking ANY time?

Really, Utah? And no event parking for a city funded program?

So...if there are an average of 1000 parking spaces at the Hogle Zoo (and that's waaay HIGH balling it), then 21,000 people either got parking tickets, or... got parking tickets.

So guessing 4 per car as an average, I'd venture 5,500 tickets were distributed at $30 a pop.

That means in 6 hours, the city piled up a decent $165,000 in parking tickets on Saturday alone.

Good job Salt Lake. I'm sure that money can go somewhere worthwhile, but I do find it bizarre that the city would piss off that many zoo goers on a special event day that often attracts new customers to a program asking for MILLIONS in taxpayer dollars.

So, if you piss off all the guests - exactly how does renewing the zoo do anything but squander money on what could be a future trailer park for polar bears and white alligators with no interested visitors?

I'm voting to Renew The Zoo. But I know how the city is voting.

Cheers, bastages and ice holes.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Suck it, Comcast. Hello, Skype.

When first signing up for Comcast, I was pretty excited. The idea of having internet, cable, and unlimited telephone for $99 a month seemed like a good deal.

That is, until your 1 year agreement expires.

$99 immediately swells to $167.89 without the chance of a renewal at the previous rate. $167 might be acceptable if I had movie channels, extra sports packages, or even the full on HD package.

I have the Digital Starter plan which has less than 100 channels, 0 movie channels, and a LOT of channels that say 'Channel not Purchased.'

I also have a home phone we use for..well, nothing really. Two members of our church use it and the kid's school has it on file. Aside from that, it's useless.

For these calls, I now pay over $40 a month.

Don't get me wrong, I have little issue with my home internet. I do have the occasional situation with buffer times, and there used to be issues with my wireless router getting disconnected, but the repairman came by and fixed our wiring.

So how to remedy $167 and bring it down to what we were spending?

We're trying Skype.

For $2.95 a month, you can make unlimited outbound calls, and for $30 a year, you can receive unlimited inbound calls.

With the math, we're talking $66 a year. Even with paying $139 for the Wifi phone so I don't need my computer on, the math comes to about..

$17.00 a month.

For unlimited everything.

When we move, we're changing to DirecTV (for $29.99 I can get 145 channels versus what seems like half that at $55 a month with Comcast), and with the internet, I'm considering a USB Broadband card, which Cricket offers for a flat $40 a month.

More investigation pending on other services, but I'm getting out of Comcast's claws ASAP.

The only thing that saddens me about leaving Comcast is their efforts to employ those less fortunate with emotional or issues with mental illness.

It's the only explanation I can gather regarding their service level.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Why republicans may lose this election (and other thoughts)

As a disclaimer, I am in no way a follower of hardcore politics, and leave the offical, more intelligent posts to my good friend Jesse Harris of CoolestFamilyEver.

However, I am a comedy viewer, the occasional news reader, and above all - the guy who mocks the nightly news while watching it.

It's funny - my hardcore conservative friends think I'm as liberal as they come, and yet my liberal friends find me a bit too conservative for their taste. This leaves me with voting for Ross Perot, Nader, and Mickey Mouse come election time.

Watching this election, I was torn. I'm not sure what Obama is about, and McCain scares the hell outta me. Not politically, but he seems the type to take off his belt for a good whackin' if I step out of line.

These are the things I've noticed in the election:

Obama has a crazy as hell preacher. Don't get me wrong. I'm ALL about the clapping and swaying and good old fashioned R&B style choirs of the midwest and the south. The sounds of rhythm that just cannot be matched anywhere. The good reverend preaching away, sweating up a storm to get his point out and saying 'amen' like a Tourette's patient.

That's what I call churchin'.

However, when the good reverend mentions the damning of America, I get a little heebeejeebee-esque and ready to run to the bomb shelter.

Thinking back though, this is really the only nut in the Obama camp that's caused a stir up. Minus of course the Rev Jesse Jackson and the Rev Al Sharpton.

Maybe Obama should be Muslim. After all, there'd be no embarrassing reverends haunting the guy left and right.

Then there's the McCain camp.

It's been a few years since I've lived in the south, but living in Utah, I'm oft surrounded by hardcore conservatives with their take on politics, life, and morality. Though I will admit, I've not seen many political sparring here, the television has been more interesting the last few weeks.

The woman who told McCain that Obama was an Arab was a classic! Joe the Plumber will soon be Joe the Reality TV sensation next fall, only on FOX! Sarah Palin whether qualified or not, is the best character television has seen in years. But the best character surrounding John McCain isn't really surrounding him.

It IS him.

McCain is definitely the crotchety old man who doesn't want you on his lawn. One day, he's the super nice gramps who freely gives out Werther's Originals, while the next, he's taking the neighbor kids' Frisbee that accidentally came over the gate.

It's going to be an interesting couple of weeks before the election, but I'm truly intrigued.

Utah is a very Republican state, but I see Barack Obama signs EVERYWHERE. For every 8 Obama signs, I've found 1 McCain sign. I've truly been counting.

Something tells me the Republicans are going to sit this one out for the next four years.

Either way, we're in a pathetic state of things, aren't we?

Friday, October 17, 2008

Mozilla ThunderBird and the Legend of the Hidden Emails.

I am the master of all things redundant. For those who know me dear know that I'll fall into the same routine, stop that routine, and excitedly jump right back into my old routine.

Years ago, in Mozilla's 1.0 days, I was excited to be ahead of the curve, getting rid of MS Internet Explorer as soon as I possibly could after the demise of Netscape's innovative browser at the time.

Also, I was an avid Thunderbird user back in my Signal 27 days, when my business email would filter directly through Mozilla's email tool.

Then about 4 years ago, I disposed of it, only to work with web based email.

Somehow and for some reason, I decided to download it again yesterday.

It works like a charm, though it appears to have connected to a vortex when adding my Gmail account to it.

For the last two days, it's been downloading email messages 250 at a time, and I'm a little over 4000 emails, dating as far back as 2006 through today.

Some of the emails were fun to re-read, as it gives a little insight to where I was at that time, and some just have pictures I may have forgotten to download before deleting (I'm really about about cleaning my inbox and asking questions later.)

So here's another blog update - I didn't promise they would be interesting.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Google Fights Drunk Emailing

Nothing going on in my life, but for those who like to kick back on a Saturday night with a few cold ones, only to get buzzed and call or email ex-girlfriends, there might be a solution.

Google is adding a feature to their Gmail program where between the hours of 10am and 4am, any email sent will be pre-cursored by a math problem to ensure the user isn't tipsy.

Here's the story:

Sunday, October 05, 2008

All You Need to Know About the VP's



Soooo much better than the actual debate, dont'cha think?

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

One Year Ago...

We moved into our little quaint place here in Utah.

After living in Salt Lake already, we figured it'd be a good place to stick around for another year.

Since 2005, I've moved 4 different times, and with the exception of the move to Utah this second go round in September, each time was in May.

May 23, 2005, I moved from Jacksonville Beach, FL to Mill Creek, in Salt Lake City.

May 1, 2006, I move from Salt Lake City to Victorville, CA to try out that whole engagement and marriage thing.

May 14, 2007, Char gets a promotion, taking us to Phoenix, AZ.

And then 4 months later, we get word from the execs who moved us here that her department has been shut down, requiring a layoff.

Since Arizona weather sucketh big time, and with extremely high rent, we bailed.

Within 10 days, we pack down a 2200 square foot house and shove it into 26 feet on wheels.

The drive was on.

We had a few cities in mind. Back to Cali. Back to Florida. We even thought about Chicago (Sammy, it could've happened!)

We chose to come back to SLC because we were on a budget, Cali was too expensive, and a UHaul to Florida would've cost a lot, and Char wasn't convinced she'd find work fast enough in Chicago.

I don't think she's ever seen a picture of those slightly taller than oak tree buildings next to that little stream of water called Lake Michigan.

Since moving here, we've made some great friends, reconnected with some excellent pals, got good jobs, and have opened up to some great opportunity with life.

And now, phase two:

Here's where it gets fun.

Tune in.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

The exhausting chore of house hunting.

The wifey and I were casually talking a few weeks ago, and out of nowhere, we both agreed on something (rare, I know) - we need to buy a house.

Let's face it. Now's a good time as any, especially since we all know how this whole budgeting crisis is going to work once the government officially seeks control of housing.

Also, we now live in a 1280 Sq foot apartment. Not bad, but with 4 people and one single bathroom, it gets crowded.

I vowed my next place would not only have a tv room, but an entertainment room as well for those nights I don't want the tv to be center of attention.

The hunt began.

After looking at a house that's partially finished with a cracked foundation and an illegally built living room, we decided to move on to the next place. Plus, the smell of cat urine doesn't turn me on the way it does others.

The first house we seemed to want keeps disappearing on us since the seller's agent seems to be promising the world to them when any Joe Shmoe says "I want it!" So the house is never available, but we're 'on the list.'

So we kept looking.

Finally, we get a call from a sweet agent named Pat, who ended up showing us around a few houses, and found one exactly to our liking.

It's located in Sandy (one of the southern cities surrounding Salt Lake), 2 blocks from Trax (the train here) and 3 blocks from Jordan Commons (a pretty popular movie theater connected to a restaurant where divers jump from two story cliffs into the pools below, all while enjoying a not-as-good-as-authentic Mexican meal.)

The house is currently owned by an artist, her paintings stretched from wall to wall in the living room.

Upstairs are two bedrooms, a bathroom (with a modern deep orange paint I really like), hardwood floors in the den, and a medium kitchen in the far end.

Downstairs is another two bedrooms, and a basic bathroom with a pretty good sized living room converted into a Mother In law apartment (includes a second mini-kitchen).

Currently, the garage is painted dark blue, and is covered with Obama collages, and various 'in process' art pieces.

What strikes me though is the fact that the back yard faces a canal from the mountains, a sturdy tree house in the tree in the back yard, and a familiar image painted on the fence.

The agent and the wife look at it, wondering, "Who is this person painted on my future wall?"

Our guest is none other than of Icelandic rock sensation Bjork.

That was it. A sign that THIS is the kinda place I wanna move into. What's cool is that the neighborhood is hidden, and I don't mean "its just off the freeway." I mean, it's in the smack dab middle of a commercial warehousing area which would appear NO one would live.

Not for any reason, just that it seems odd an entire neighborhood just hides there.

I don't want to go off on a rant here (since I have already) but in my case, owning a home has less to do with "becoming an adult" than escaping the clutches of the rent monster which has consumed the nation.

The average rental these days for what we currently live is $1200 a month*. We'll be able to get this house for less than that, plus its ours.

Cause I'm a selfish bastage.

Oh, and my Floridian brothers, sisters, family members, or friends in the midwest, or the middle of Japan... I'll have a guest room waiting for ya.

Now to find an old 'Area 51' arcade game to go in the corner of my downstairs living room...

What? It goes with the curtains.



* - since we live further south, costs are considerably cheaper. That being said, commuting is lame. I want a motorcycle or a Vespa. Beep Beep!

Friday, September 19, 2008

National Talk Like a Pirate Day



Don't forget ye hearties! Til midnight tonight, ye be talkin scurvy and walkin' the plank. Don't let ye olde corporate man get ye down!

Show ye piratey ways, matey. And don't forget to swab the deck when ye party be through.

Oh.


Arrrrrgh!

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Being a Twit Got Boring.... aka Blogging is Back.

Okay, I get the message. People wanted more posts, and I cheated my readership (sorry, you three) by using a popular social networking site that some despise.

Though I'll still be adding Tweets (see them to the right), I'm looking to majorly modify this site altogether, but I need a little assistance.

My technophile friends, expect a call :)

Sunday, July 13, 2008

For Bethany

Because I love her and her family, I shall update.

For those on Twitter, I've been posting almost daily. I should connect Twitter to my blog so this thing doesn't add spider webs.


I am kid free for a month as of yesterday, and I'm excited.

Tomorrow, I have an interview that could promote me and increase my salary SIGNIFICANTLY. Here's hoping I get it.

Umm... I have free time - if you're here, tell me! Char and I wanna play!

That is all :)

Thursday, June 19, 2008

The longer I work for eBay, the more paranoid I get about small business owners...

This week, eBay is representing the Windy City of Chicago as we celebrate our annual eBay Live event, which houses about 10,000 sellers and buyers with parties, events, and news about the future of the company.

For those familiar with eBay know of it's overall troubles with security, fraud, etc that take place daily. Moreso, buyers know about angry sellers quick to yell and scream at their client base, with some odd assumption these buyers are returning to say 'Thank You Sir, May I Have Another?!'

2008, eBay finally admitted to the mistakes of thinking we're the only game in town, and to rectify these issues, eBay has announced some major security changes which not only reduce account take overs and fraud, but also improve overall customer service.

And guess who is pissed as all get out? Crappy sellers who can't manipulate the system.

One may ask "Well, how many people are affected by these changes?"

Here are the numbers. Currently, eBay.com has about 180,000 Powersellers (those who sell $1000 or more per month that have feedback of 98% or higher.)

Out of those, nearly 35,000 will be rejected from the Powerseller program this summer for crappy customer performance.

Basically, we've removed the ability for a seller to leave negative feedback.

Let me ask - when was the last time the waiter screamed at you when your steak was undercooked?

When was the last time you walked into a place you've never bought from before, and the owner of the shop refuses to sell to you because you've never bought from them before?

When there was a time when a retail jockey called you an idiot to your face before reminding you not to let the door kick you in the butt on the way out?

This, ladies and gentlemen, is what the uproar is about.

And that's why I welcome the new eBay. Seriously, you kids are gonna see some good stuff happening.

Buy your Pez dispenser and Beanie Baby with ease....

And if you could care less, meh. I'll add some dumb Youtube video soon enough.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

I'm a twit...

I've been adding Tweets to Twitter and neglecting my ole blog.

Feel free to follow me on Twitter. I'll update the blog with a Twitter widget soon.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Finally peace at work...

For months, eBay Powersellers have complained about the site's new changes to protect everyone...

I think they're finally getting what we're trying to accomplish.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Mayor Goldie Wilson 'Disgusted' at FEMA for Hill Valley Fire Response.

Hill Valley, CA- In the aftermath of a blaze which started at Universal Studios and spread to Hill Valley's historic Courthouse Square, Mayor Goldie Wilson lashed out against President Bush and the Federal Emergency Management Agency on Wednesday.

"Both the President and FEMA have dropped the ball in this situation. How can an entire American town burn down in this day and age?" contended Wilson. "We've already lost the clock tower, the Texaco station, and most of Lyons Estates. How long will the government wait to intervene?"

"It's been four days without federal assistance," continued Wilson. "Hill Valley as we know it is destroyed. I worked at Lou's Cafe as a young man, and now it's a pile of ashes. We have entire neighborhoods taking up residence in Lone Pine Mall."

President Bush's slow response came under attack from the town's few surviving residents, including Hill Valley High's Principal Strickland: "Bush is a slacker. He reminds me of his father when he was President. He was a slacker, too."

Among the town's disillusioned inhabitants is George McFly, author of the 1985 sci-fi classic, A Match Made in Space . "FEMA's response is disgraceful. I used to believe if you put your mind to it, you could accomplish anything. Now, I'm not so sure."

Local musician Marvin Berry is organizing an all-star benefit for Hill Valley's displaced residents. Expected to make an appearance is his cousin, Chuck.

Developers had planned to renovate Courthouse Square with a Cafe '80s theme restaurant, state-of-the-art Holomax Theatre, and reflection pool. But due to damage caused by the conflagration, the new structures might not be feasible until 2014 or 2015.

Walking past the charred remains of two local residents, Mayor Wilson could not contain his grief: "To think, 50 years ago, teenagers roamed these streets in poodle skirts and 3-D glasses. It's all gone now."

As the death toll continued to escalate without government assistance, Mayor Wilson reached out to local inventor "Doc" Emmett Brown, who has proposed a mysterious solution requiring cooperation with a Libyan fringe organization.

"At this point, we're desperate," said Mayor Wilson, stressing the need to quickly rebuild the town's infrastructure: "We need simple necessities- water, shelter, and accessible roads."

Emmett Brown added: "Roads? Where we're going, we don't need roads."

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Working Sunday has its perks (for my wife)...

People in the ward think she's single. Man, what an easy way for her to trade UP!

Sunday, June 01, 2008

Three Brothers, Pimpin it New School



No ladies... we're all married.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

The Disney execs weren't really thinking here, were they?


Care to explain why Disney brand body wash comes in a bottle bearing the shape of.. well, you decide what it looks like.

Monday, May 26, 2008

Kipluck, that was AWESOME.


As a follow up to Kipluck's post to WiiFit, here is the comic she linked:

It's pretty accurate. My Mii character was a sexy beast.... le sigh.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

WiiFit called me a Fatty McFatFat

My Mii character looks like Violet is turning violet.

This program, despite its attempt to make me feel unlike the sexy animal I am, appears pretty awesome.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Creating Kaos...










Wednesday, May 21, 2008

When Randalls Attack

So my older brother got married this past weekend. Some say they never saw it coming, and others said 'pass the ketchup, stupid.'

Before I left for the south, I had to dine here in Salt Lake City to prepare for my arrival of southern cookin' by going to a place called 'Mama's Plantation for some pie and fries. Mama had died 10 years ago, but her painting held near and dear. A 'Gone With The Wind' enthusiast would probably buy it on eBay when the place shuts down for health violations.

Also, I've never flown NWA, but had dreams of sitting in the middle with Ice Cube and Dr. Dre rolling phatties and passing them over my 'cracka a**.'

What I didn't expect was a group of 40 somethings with ties to Minnesota and their big city yet dairy farm blue collar upbringing. Sigh... traveling with white people.

Seriously, white people are the only people I ever see that brag about their babies to strangers on a plane. Honestly, I was hoping for snakes to appear after about 10 minutes of coochie coochie coo.

I get off the plane in Minneapolis and discover the lack of attractive people there. Granted, I'm no prize, but DANG!

An hour later, I get on my flight to Florida, and all the while I'm reading "The Chris Farley Show," a new book about Chris' life written by his brother with commentary from tons of people Farley worked with.

Getting to Jacksonville, I meet Carey (groom to be), my mom and my stepdad. From there, I get the tour on the way to big ole Macclenny, our hometown.

I won't go into the entire week, but I will say this:

Humidity creates humility. No matter how awesome you are, you look like a schmuck when you're the only one sweating like you've ran a 10K.

So the week in Florida involved zero trips to the beach, one social gathering which involved my brother getting smashed at Dave and Busters, and refusing to leave the already closed establishment because his drink was half full. My brother, the optimist.

I found out that I'm truly missed for the first time in three years. Well, my mom says it, but us boys never say anything like that.

It really made me miss Florida a LOT for the first time.

Carey got married in a little church in the middle of nowhere that turns out to be the same church Clint's parents used to go to before they broke away and started a church in their house (another time for those new to that subject).

The church was hot, and we in the monkey suits were hotter. 3 piece tuxes in May in Florida = tubby sweaty love.

We had pulled pork and the cake was awesome. Mom neglected to tell me she put pickles in the deviled eggs, so I tried not to puke.

Still love her.

The wedding photographer got a promotion at work and told us a week before the wedding, so being old school, Signal 27 reunited as both wedding party and photographers.

So of course the photos will be 'teh awesum.'

Also, my niece and nephew have grown like crazy. They're like 7 feet tall with tails!

HUGE!

Sunday was the only day I could see anyone, and I scheduled it wisely. First with a lunch with an old coworker. She was upset when I moved because it was a month before her wedding. I hope she's forgiven me since she announced her divorce this weekend. HOORAH singledom! Run girl... Run from monogamy FAST!

I mean...err.. I love my wife. :)

Then I spent a few hours with John E Boi and family. Man, I miss that joker. Mostly because our visit was like I just came over after just being there 2 days ago - seemless. I like it like that.

Speaking of transition, if Clint reads this - YOU TOO SKINNY.

I got back to Salt Lake at midnight on Monday, only to be attacked by eBay sellers angry about not being able to leave buyers negative feedback anymore.

Man, the customer is always wrong... and a part of the Nazi party.... and made out with Charles Manson... but just once, before he was 'popular.'

I'm sure I skipped things, but Randall boys (Gene and Carey) - I miss you guys like..well brothers should.

I can't wait til one of them gets married again for more shenanigans and free food.

Sunday, May 04, 2008

Get Down With The Sickness...

I've discovered an immunity I have, not unlike that of Superman to bullets, or anyone who's sat through an entire Corey Feldman movie.

Friday night, Char gets food poisoning. At the doctor on Saturday, he tells us many people got food poisoning from chicken purchased from Costco.

Ours was at TGI Fridays.

I did not get sick.

The kids on Saturday were kinda tired, but I figured no biggie.

Today: Both fevers. Morgan was at 104 today. She's at the urgent care right now at 9:27pm MST.

Aside from a minor headache, and some trauma slamming a window on my finger, I'm happy as a peach.

Before it gets smashed at a Gallagher show.

Cloverfield: Dummest Movie Ever

It would have been better a movie about the Lucky Charms Leprechaun taking over New York.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

My job is mostly good, but today was awesome.

Today I was in charge of filming an "Apprentice" style parody for an upcoming eBay meeting we'll have at a nearby movie theatre on Thursday.

My first premiere.

Cheesy, but awesome.

Monday, April 21, 2008

I'm a bad bad daddy...

So today I was sick, so I stayed home in my jammies, medicated and watching clips on funnyordie.com when I hear a beep.

My kid's Tamagotchi (10 years ago, we called them Digipets) needed attention.

So I fed it.

Then another Tamagotchi shows on the screen and the word Love? appears...

I say "sure, why not? Little bugger needs some attention - no big."

All of a sudden, the two kiss, then the screen turns to fireworks - and lo and behold...

VIOLA! His Tamagotchi had a baby!

All under my watch!

I always suspected fireworks caused babies.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

I live in Heartbreak Hotel

The condo unit I live in is a 4 plex and the complex is mostly late 20somethings and their little kids, so the community works out well for us.

However, there's a trend which I fear may lead me to sleeping on one of your couches sometimes soon:

Our fourplex comprises of units A, B, C, and D.

The couple in Unit B were separated before we moved in.
The couple in Unit D decided to divorce last month.
The couple in Unit C ended their marriage last night.

So that leaves us. Unit A.

The only happy couple in the unit. But there's a demon of matrimonial destitute lingering in my building.

If I show up in bunny slippers at 2am, don't blame me. Blame the demon. Also blame him for eating your leftover chocolate mousse in the middle of the night.

Friday, April 04, 2008

The truth about Makin Love.

Finally, an R&B song that rings tried and true.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Happy Easter.

As a tradition, like watching poor Charlie Brown enjoying the pathetic Christmas tree that resembles the hollow soul that is himself every Dec 24, I bring to you an Easter tradition in the Randall house.



Beware the Easter Bunny.

200 Posts!

Woot.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

I tip my hat to thee, Samuel.

Friends are priceless. With that said, I'd like to give major props to my buddy Sam for helping me connect my computer to my flat screen TV.

Even 2000 miles away, just west of Lake Michigan in a little town called Chicago, he can take four hours out of his Friday night to assist with my stupidity in technical things.

To my longtime friend, I thank thee!

Update: Too Fat for Emo

Read it, suckas.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Garfield Minus Garfield

My new favorite obsession. When you remove Garfield from his comic strip, you find a lonely, paranoid, obsessive comedy being strewn from a pathetic individual named John Arbuckle.

Laugh in his pain.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Why I'm no tech superstar...

After months of putting it off, I got myself a basic graphics card with a DVI port so I can connect it via a DVI to HDMI cable to my 32" flatscreen television.

I get everything and load the cd.... and the drivers aren't functioning.

And I can't find them online.

Techies, I need help!

I called their tech support and left a voicemail, but I'm doubting I'll get results.

Here's the card I got:

Sigh. All so I can watch videos on Funnyordie.com

Sunday, March 09, 2008

I like controversy...

I mean, I really like controversy.

When Tina Fey called Paris Hilton a 'worthless piece of s***," I applauded her.

When Mike Huckabee asked Mitt Romney if the devil and Jesus were brothers in a debate, though puzzled when he criticized about 5 million LDS people in America... 95% of them Republican, I said "Wow - he must have brass ones."

And this week, when a certain 'American Idol' contestant was 'outted' via the internet for stripping and bartending in Phoenix, I said "David Hernandez, you best win this season!"

Not that he's my favorite this year (the wife has me watching it with her), I'm always happy to read a little controversy here and there.

My favorite, however, was the Danny Noriega Christmas video on YouTube. Though I could care less, I thought a recent interview with his dismissal of the show was interesting because of his "Staying true to himself."

Which part of him is true? The overwhelmingly emo side, or the quick-to-imitate-Jack McFarlane-from-Will and Grace side?

The only thing "true" about this kid are the "True Religion" Jeans he sports.

Saturday, March 01, 2008

A Dream Involving Reality TV and Selling Out.

Last night's dream had me on location at some huge resort near the woods. I was flown there courtesy of NBC. It seems 200 people were flown in and were in a line. I kept getting out of line to be a part of some mystery adventure involving crimes in the resort, missing my turns in each obstacle. Dang this double life leading!

I guess my mission was to find out how Nabisco was able to sponsor the show without a contract or evidence, as they were replacing the tiles in the pool with tiles marked 'Nabisco' on it. Super Sell Out action, it was. Then the Twizzler signs started showing everywhere when the competition was supposed to be sponsor-less.

That's when Mark and Jay, brothers on this season of 'Biggest Loser' come to meet me, in what appears to be a covert mission to bring down NBC.

That's when I hear someone say "Hey Randall, it's your turn!"

Then I woke up.

Some missions just aren't meant to be completed.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

What is it that makes me love it so?

Humorous Pictures
Enter the ICHC online Poker Cats Contest!

Is it the crossed eyes? The leg raise. The Python reference?

The combination?

I say it's teh sexy of it.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Another acid washed dream by yours truly...

Last night I was on a city bus in a big city. In the bus, a ticket taker in ghost form seeks his tickets by entering into your body.

The seat in front of me sits a girl I dated briefly. It appears in the dream, we are still dating, and she's taking me to her dad's house, which is where her car is being fixed.

We get there. Her car is an El Camino, and the house is a single wide trailer in the middle of a run down trailer park.

As I walk into the house, the floor is concrete. Small PVC pipes bolted to the ceiling are connecting shower heads in what is supposed to be the living room.

The most interesting part was the human fecal matter and water spilling over the floor while three old naked men complaining that the sewage literally exploded over them.

Doctor, Doctor. Won't you please prescribe me.... a day in the life of someone else.

Cause I'm a hazard to myself.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Another Weird Dream: Movie Edition

I have dreams that appear like film. I'm always the watcher of the dream, and if a camera angle can do it, then my dreams 'film' the same way.

In this dream, Brad Pitt was playing a half-poodle, half-man, living in the Bayous of Mississippi. He helps two young boys behind a rickety farmhouse escape from a deadly cobra, but that doesn't stop the people in the town to want this beast's head on a stick.

The cool, slow sheriff was played by Luke Wilson, and a redneck villager was played by Giovanni Ribisi.

As the half-poodle-man looked at the kids in tears, and them in fear of what will happen, a light came on.

My bedroom light. Dream over.

For those who watch 'Sesame Street,' this dream was brought to you by the letters 'W', 'T,' and 'H.'

Monday, February 11, 2008

Vote for meh kitteh..

I maide it miself.

funny pictures
moar funny pictures

Sunday, February 10, 2008

I taught my kids right.....

My kids came home, and Morgan was upset someone said she had cooties.

Fortunately, I have my MD in pimpology and 80's nostalgia and I was able to calm her down by giving her the infamous cooties shot.

Circle Circle Dot Dot.

Now she has her cooties shot.

Weird Dream

I'm on the set of a reality tv show. I've apparently been there for months.

I turn around, and my oldest brother walks on camera. Big smile on his face. Dude even gives me a hug. Then my mom shows up, with my other brother. Big family reunion.

In my dream, I'm crying like a little baby.

What's interesting is that my oldest bro shows up first, big smiles. He and I don't really flow on the same page. We pretty much argue every time we're in the same room.
I moved away, and that made the riff HUGE between us. And yet he was the first to show up. First to smile. First to hug. My mind is playing tricks on me, my play tricks back.

It's been over a year since I've seen my family, so maybe there's a subconcious indicator I need to make a trip soon.

Either that, or stop taking psychotropics before bedtime.

Friday, February 08, 2008

I normally don't post serious threads...

Today as I was browsing my Google Reader, I caught up on some blogs of friends and current news stories.

One of them was from the blog of Bethany and Mike, which featured this video of a baby born with medical issues that doctors claimed would not live to see his date of birth.

'99 Balloons' is one of the first videos in a long time that made me shed a tear, as I've not cried in a long time.

If you have a moment to be moved, feel free and watch this six minute movie.

I have a fear of being a father. My father left me and this earth when I was thirteen. My stepfather not exactly a role model, I've always had the fear of leaving a child too soon or not being a good enough parent.

I currently act as a father of two, but ultimately, I'm not their own. A duplicate, a replacement. A generic version of something you've really wanted.

I feel loved, which is why I try so hard, but I often wonder if that role was meant for someone like me. A real baby. My own.

I don't even know how to comprehend something of that magnitude. Am I being selfish, or just stupid? I often feel I'm being both.

Then a video like this brings up the emotions of 'what would I do' in said case scenario.

I don't know. I just wouldn't know.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

I Have (had) a Dream

That I was living in the apartment seen on TV's 'Three's Company."

My roommates were Jennifer Lopez and 50 Cent.

J-Lo was screaming in Spanish while Fi'ty was explaining that the spoons in the sink weren't his.

I sat at the table and watched up close, knowing those spoons were mine.

I said nothing.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

I am the Bionic Woman! Err...

Check Too Fat For Emo for details.

Friday, February 01, 2008

Jerry O'Connell does Tom Cruise..

I promised less YouTube clips but Jerry O'Connell does a genius impression that had to be shared.

His laugh is spot on.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Found on Craigslist...

http://provo.craigslist.org/zip/554968660.html

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

My work is trying to kill me.

I'm surrounded by 200 employees with their mouths full of cucumber slices on sandwiches provided by my employer.

I think the gas chamber is more humane.

Monday, January 28, 2008

I really need to start listening more...

Phrase not heard properly during 2 1/2 hour meeting:


"That's how the seller handles their ship."

I thought she said a naughty....




Who calls shipping methods a 'ship' when plural?

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Not as random as I used to be.

I'm in brain dead mode. Carry on without me, good sir.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

I'm going to start a multi-level-marketing scheme.

That's right. As a fellow Utahn, it is my sole responsibility to be involved in a multi-level-marketing scheme. Everyone does it. Someone in your ward or workplace is selling Avon, Mary Kay, Cookie Lee, Noni Weight Loss, Pre-Paid Legal, and Tupperware all at the same time.

My MLM: A representative in your area will be assigned to be called upon to visit other MLM "parties" and punch the host in the face.

This representative may get other referrals, and create a pyramid scheme, where I become a millionaire whilst millions of MLM 'representatives' run screaming in fear.

Phase 2 will be telemarketers.

And when it's all over, I will be the only multi level marketing firm in the world.

Everyone will be a member.

For $5 a month, of course.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

It'd be funny even if Ledger didn't die...

Monday, January 21, 2008

Yay! Snow!

My job is at most 20 minutes away. Today, due to what weather people have referred to as "light snow showers", there is almost two feet of snow in certain places, and the highways are on a standstill.

An hour and a half later, I'm at work, 50 minutes late.

Thank you meteorologists for your perfect forecasts. Days of no snow, you tell us it's going to get nasty, and days we get snow, you say it's a perfectly sunny day.

Maybe I should have pursued my dream of being a weatherman. It's the only job you can get it completely wrong and never be fired.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Partially overheard on the news.

"Holding their caucuses."

Politics has gotten interesting.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Why no credit card is a good credit card.

A lot of things come to haunt me about my past. My upcoming high school reunion in August, random MySpace invites from people I've not seen in 10 years, and even the fact that my kids' school is located on Wildcat Way, the same street my high school was located.

Today, I receive a letter from the collection agency of a credit card I paid off December 2001 saying I owe them $606.29.

I'm about to write another Diary of A Mad Black Woman, but my inner black woman is so pissed, she can spit.

On Dec 20, 2001, I made my last payment and requested my account be closed. Within a month, I received a paid off letter that my brother put in a fire proof box.

Calling him, he tells me some of the items in that were ruined, but he'll check to see if he still has it.


According to what he found out in his own recent fight with creditors, since this is year 7 of the account status, they're going to try to squeeze last minute cash out of me, but once November comes, it will be removed from my credit.

Granted, I can understand the shadiness behind it, but the account was PAID off 6 years and 2 months ago!

Lamesville, thy name is Cross Country Bank.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Frustrated.

Go to Too Fat for Emo for more details.

Monday, January 14, 2008

A degree in what exactly?

Taking advantage of tuition reimbursement at work is a tricky, yet rewarding thing.

Finding out the majors that they'll approve seems to be the fun part. For example, they won't pay for a photography or theater degree, but they'll pay for a marketing and advertising degree that includes photography, graphic design, and certain public speaking classes.

I have no problems weaseling $5200 a year :)

I'm guna bee smrt.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

My hometown (sorta) represents!

I was reading the occasional 'News of the Weird' type stuff on Google, and I find an article regarding saggy pants being illegal in a small town.

I click it, and it takes me to one of the weekly newspapers from my small hometown.

I dig further. It seems the neighboring town of Baldwin, FL (known for it's train tracks and truck stops) has deemed that wearing baggy pants is a criminal offense, subject to 40-80 hours of community service and up to a $500 fine.

So here's to you, Baldwin, for making national news for becoming the first literal "Fashion Police."

You can read the article here.

In Utah, we don't mind saggy pants. In fact, yesterday was 'No Pants, No Problem Day' on Trax, our local train system.

Maybe the move was right.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

A day without a random thought.

It's okay, I'm celebrating my five pound weight loss by not being on the computer, except to post my food intake on my diet blog.

On a similar topic, you would all be proud of this non-vegetable eating fool.

I've been putting things in my mouth that used to make me hurl. Raw vegetables.

They even go down my throat.

Now I cringe and squint my eyes, and it's uber gross, but I'm a wild man. I'll do it for the chicks.

I guess I have two target dates now for my weight goals. May 17 and August 17. The first is my brother's wedding. The other for my ten year reunion.

So watch out fools.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Random Thought.

Aren't there enough sequels and prequels, parodies, and remakes in theatres?

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Not so random thought.

When one works his/her legs too much, the muscles around the upper inner thigh hurt like Hades.

It hurts more than being kicked DIRECTLY in the crotch. Go fig, eh?

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

The gym and old 'friends'

In connection with my recent blog entry at Too Fat for Emo, I went to the gym tonight.

The particulars of this blog aren't to talk of my work out regime, but rather about the small world we live in.

It's interesting that 3000 miles away, things here remind me of my home in Florida. From the boaters and water skiers to the small town environment located just a few minutes away from the bustling city.

Okay, Jacksonville isn't exactly bustling, but with 7 sections of that town to choose from, there's something to do if you're willing to make the drive.

But this isn't that either. You know how when you go home, in order to avoid the people you avoided in school, you tend to also avoid the local shopping venues, etc to avoid a run in.

I had this experience. Standing right in front of me at the Gold's Gym I work out at, a thin blond girl with a fake tan stares at me, pretends she doesn't know me, then walks into a back office until I've left the check in area.

It takes a moment, but FLASH.

I'm from a town called Macclenny. Baker County High School, class of 1998. 209 people graduated that year.

And one of them is the shift manager at my gym. 3000 miles away from home, in a town 20 miles outside of Salt Lake City, Utah. One of them that never spoke to me unless she needed an answer in 9th grade English.

Random Thought #2: In the same fashion that vegans shouldn't work at all-you-can-eat rib joints, girls named Kandi shouldn't work at gyms.

Random Thought.

How much do you think an actor makes to be in a genital herpes commercial?

Also, have you ever noticed that all of their couples have one with the disease and one without?

You think they play paper, rock, scissors to determine which one gets the herpes?

I'm more concerned with their social lives. You think they get noticed like actors who play criminals on "America's Most Wanted?'

Monday, January 07, 2008

More random observations in 2008.

Not always will a post need to be long. Not all posts require photos or YouTube videos. Some posts may only be a sentence or two long. Random Observations are what I do. I'm going to try and have one daily observation per.. well, that was almost redundant.

Random observations may also be of the 'curious wonders' variety. Some are whimsical, some are astute, and some are downright ridiculous.

Like those pants you bought on sale and brag about. Seriously, there's a reason they were $4.00. I say this as a friend and I love you.

Sunday, December 30, 2007

Last Update of 2007. First Update of 2008.


The world's least visited blog gets an update! News at 11.

Working on 2008 has never been more fun.

My plans for writing more, losing more, and having more (fun) are exciting to me.

Also, for those who have this blog listed under jasonrandall.blogspot.com, you can either keep it, or change it to the domain name Randallfunk.com

I'm working on a site right now (in which I may ask for help for those more site creation knowledgeable than I) that will comprise of three sections.

1. Standard activity and updates on the life and times of Jason C. Randall which can be found here.
2. The weight loss goals of 2008 at TooFatForEmo.com. (online)
3. Writing samples at WritingsOfAMadMan.com (coming soon)

I hope to give you some actual entertainment in the upcoming year. And if not, maybe I can go to a foreign country, be hospitalized, or have a baby. I'm hoping for all three - on the same day.

May 2008 be the greatest. Until 2009. Because I'm trendy like that.

Kisses and Grits.
Jason Randall

Sunday, November 18, 2007

This dog scares the hell outta me...


Why? I've no idea. I think it's his thrice sized head?

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

For those trying to lose weight...


Put this on your fridge.

* - Props to my bro Carey for sending this.

I'm really enjoying Google Reader...


Google Reader is a blog filter for those who click bookmark after bookmark, trying to keep tabs of those in your life.

It sets all of your subscribed blogs on one page, and gives you a summary of said blogs without having to click all about.

I'm a lazy man, and when the internet makes my life easier, I become a happy man.